As I sit here thinking of where to even start, I struggle with putting my feelings into words. Just as I have struggled for the past almost 3 months.I honestly cannot believe that it's coming up on 3 months since this experience that I never wanted to end. Every day I miss India. Every other minute my kids are on my mind...my thambis (Udhaya, Lokesh, Sathish), my beautiful sisters, my best friends, my fellow inspiring teachers, my Carmel family. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and the wonderful times we shared together.
June 2nd marks the first day of a new school year at Carmel Matriculation School. Every ounce of my being wishes that I was there; greeting all of the children, seeing my favorite teachers, teaching my incredible students and living my passion. But I'm not. I am on the other side of the world, going day by day working hard so that one day I can see my Carmel family again.
**Just a quick side note: Throughout this post, I'm referring to being back in the US as "home." There is a reason behind that. Ever since I returned from India, I've had some strange feelings. I was so happy to be reunited with my family and my best friends. I was thrilled to get back to work and see the adorable babies and awesome families that I've grown so close to over the past few years. But at the same time, I felt sadness, heartache and a strong feeling of homesickness. It was really weird for me because what used to be home no longer really felt like home. So that's why I am referring to the US as "home." **
One of the most difficult parts of being "home" is not being able to see my kids or go and hang out with them in my free time. One day, I'm spending nearly every waking moment with them, whether I am teaching, playing, talking, singing or praying; and the next, I am on the opposite side of the world, only able to look at photos, write letters, facebook chat or very rarely speak on the phone if I miss them.
My heart literally feels as though it is breaking to be so far from my 3 thambis. To not be there to greet them as they return to the hostel. To not be there to encourage them as they begin a new school year. To not be there to wish them sweet dreams or good morning. To not be there to advise them as they mature and grow in their faith. To not be there to play football with them or hear Lokesh's heart-warming laugh. To not be there to share snacks with them when they are hungry. To not be there to share my special wink with Udhaya, the wink that makes him smile every time. To not be there to put a smile on their faces when they are feeling sad. To not be there to hug them and tell them just how much I love them. Every single one of these things eat at my heart because I know they have no one else.
It's really odd when I compare missing "home" while I was in India as to missing India when I am "home." There is no comparison. My heart never once felt like this while I was in India. Every day was an adventure as I waited to see what God had in store for me that day. My heart was happy much of the time. I loved teaching my students with all that was in me. The conversations, friendships, games, jokes and routines that we created in spoken class kept me going through any trials that came my way. I was with my kids all the time almost the entire part of the day and it made me feel at peace with the world. I never felt as if I was just on autopilot going from day to day. Things bring me happiness here, but it's a different kind of happiness. I think of all my kids in everything I do and it just makes me miss them that much more. I've never felt so homesick in my own "home."
Being "home" has given me a real opportunity to think. I think...no, I know God has blessed me greatly. My family, my friends, my "stuff," my job, all of it. However, these 6 months that He gave me at Carmel were something to open my eyes and see His purpose for my life. He showed me my gifts and how they could be used to great effect where they are most needed. When it comes to living my life, I want to live it to the fullest; not having even one moment that I look back on wishing I'd done differently. I want to live out God's plan for my life because what plan would be better? I want to seek the Lord in all I do and follow His call. If I do that, I know God will never let me feel alone or heartbroken. He will help me to work through my trials and come out a stronger person because of them.
As I look back on my incredible experience in India (which I do quite often to be honest), I realize the impact that I had on the Carmel community was quite significant. I surpassed all of the goals I set for myself.
1. I made sure my thambis experienced God's love, giving them a kind of love that they probably thought they would never receive again in their lifetimes.
2. I reached out to people who most needed Jesus Christ in their lives - the Special Project children, the teachers, my students and their families, the beautiful unforgettable babies of Bethel's baby home.
3. I taught the most amazing 400 students I've ever had the pleasure of teaching, increasing both their knowledge and use of spoken English.
4. I encouraged and advised many children at the hostel who had pieces of my heart.
5. I established lifelong friendships with my amazing fellow teachers, encouraging them to be the best teachers they can be for their well-deserving students.
The list goes on and on.
When it comes to my greatest wish for my Carmel family during my stay there, it's that they saw Jesus in me. There's a beautiful contemporary Christian song that describes just that.
Let them see You in me
Let them hear You when I speak
Let them feel You when I sing
Let them see You, let them see You in me
("Let Them See You" by JJ Weeks Band)
When it all comes down to it, I feel like that is our dream as Christians. To allow Jesus to live in our hearts and to shine in all that we do. To spread His love far and wide so that we can further God's kingdom and help those in need. I hope and pray that they saw Jesus in my actions, words and songs. I pray daily that these children continue to let Jesus shine in their own lives.
God opened my eyes to many things on this trip. He showed me what I am capable of. He showed me the direct impact I had on the teachers through a touching (to say the least) farewell ceremony prior to leaving. He showed me the children's love through their touching words, sweet gifts, heartbreaking goodbyes and never-ending hugs on my last day. I am beyond thankful for all of it. It changed me as a teacher, a Christian, a sister, a daughter and as a person living on planet Earth.
I want to get out there. I want to help others in need. I want to be by my thambis' sides when they need me most. I want to teach more at Carmel. I want to spread the love of Jesus Christ to as many people as possible. I want to live out my dream because I know it's possible and I know how much of a difference it could make in many people's lives. In 2009, on my very first trip to India, the Lord ignited a spark inside of me. It continues to burn and grow bigger as my passion for India deepens. I know in my heart that I am not finished with India. I cannot tell you what that means or where it will take me. I simply know that God is calling me there. He has shown me how my talents can be used to help this ministry that is near and dear to my heart. We shall see where that burning spark takes me in my life. If there is anything that I have learned from spending 6 months of my life in India, it is that God is indeed at work. In my life. In yours. In those all around the world who struggle with problems greater than many of us will ever have to face in our lives. In any problems you may have, know that the Lord is right next to you, every step of the way. You are never alone. We are all God's children and He loves us all the same.
I am going to end with the lyrics from one of my absolute favorite songs. It sums up my 6 months and how I am feeling right now.
I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how'd we ever get so far down
How's it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, "God, why don't You do something?"
Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
said, "God, why don't You do something?"
He said, "I did, I created you"
If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it's time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It's not enough to do nothing
It's time for us to do something
I'm so tired of talking
About how we are God's hands and feet
But it's easier to say than to be
Live like angels of apathy who tell ourselves
It's alright, "somebody else will do something"
Well, I don't know about you
But I'm sick and tired of life with no desire
I don't want a flame, I want a fire
I wanna be the one who stands up and says,
"I'm gonna do something"
We are the salt of the earth
We are a city on a hill (shine shine, shine shine)
But we're never gonna change the world by standing still
No we won't stand still
No we won't stand still
No we won't stand still
If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it's time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It's not enough to do nothing
It's time for us to do something
("Do Something" by Matthew West)
I want to be the one to do something. <3 <3
June 2nd marks the first day of a new school year at Carmel Matriculation School. Every ounce of my being wishes that I was there; greeting all of the children, seeing my favorite teachers, teaching my incredible students and living my passion. But I'm not. I am on the other side of the world, going day by day working hard so that one day I can see my Carmel family again.
**Just a quick side note: Throughout this post, I'm referring to being back in the US as "home." There is a reason behind that. Ever since I returned from India, I've had some strange feelings. I was so happy to be reunited with my family and my best friends. I was thrilled to get back to work and see the adorable babies and awesome families that I've grown so close to over the past few years. But at the same time, I felt sadness, heartache and a strong feeling of homesickness. It was really weird for me because what used to be home no longer really felt like home. So that's why I am referring to the US as "home." **
One of the most difficult parts of being "home" is not being able to see my kids or go and hang out with them in my free time. One day, I'm spending nearly every waking moment with them, whether I am teaching, playing, talking, singing or praying; and the next, I am on the opposite side of the world, only able to look at photos, write letters, facebook chat or very rarely speak on the phone if I miss them.
My heart literally feels as though it is breaking to be so far from my 3 thambis. To not be there to greet them as they return to the hostel. To not be there to encourage them as they begin a new school year. To not be there to wish them sweet dreams or good morning. To not be there to advise them as they mature and grow in their faith. To not be there to play football with them or hear Lokesh's heart-warming laugh. To not be there to share snacks with them when they are hungry. To not be there to share my special wink with Udhaya, the wink that makes him smile every time. To not be there to put a smile on their faces when they are feeling sad. To not be there to hug them and tell them just how much I love them. Every single one of these things eat at my heart because I know they have no one else.
It's really odd when I compare missing "home" while I was in India as to missing India when I am "home." There is no comparison. My heart never once felt like this while I was in India. Every day was an adventure as I waited to see what God had in store for me that day. My heart was happy much of the time. I loved teaching my students with all that was in me. The conversations, friendships, games, jokes and routines that we created in spoken class kept me going through any trials that came my way. I was with my kids all the time almost the entire part of the day and it made me feel at peace with the world. I never felt as if I was just on autopilot going from day to day. Things bring me happiness here, but it's a different kind of happiness. I think of all my kids in everything I do and it just makes me miss them that much more. I've never felt so homesick in my own "home."
Being "home" has given me a real opportunity to think. I think...no, I know God has blessed me greatly. My family, my friends, my "stuff," my job, all of it. However, these 6 months that He gave me at Carmel were something to open my eyes and see His purpose for my life. He showed me my gifts and how they could be used to great effect where they are most needed. When it comes to living my life, I want to live it to the fullest; not having even one moment that I look back on wishing I'd done differently. I want to live out God's plan for my life because what plan would be better? I want to seek the Lord in all I do and follow His call. If I do that, I know God will never let me feel alone or heartbroken. He will help me to work through my trials and come out a stronger person because of them.
As I look back on my incredible experience in India (which I do quite often to be honest), I realize the impact that I had on the Carmel community was quite significant. I surpassed all of the goals I set for myself.
1. I made sure my thambis experienced God's love, giving them a kind of love that they probably thought they would never receive again in their lifetimes.
2. I reached out to people who most needed Jesus Christ in their lives - the Special Project children, the teachers, my students and their families, the beautiful unforgettable babies of Bethel's baby home.
3. I taught the most amazing 400 students I've ever had the pleasure of teaching, increasing both their knowledge and use of spoken English.
4. I encouraged and advised many children at the hostel who had pieces of my heart.
5. I established lifelong friendships with my amazing fellow teachers, encouraging them to be the best teachers they can be for their well-deserving students.
The list goes on and on.
When it comes to my greatest wish for my Carmel family during my stay there, it's that they saw Jesus in me. There's a beautiful contemporary Christian song that describes just that.
Let them see You in me
Let them hear You when I speak
Let them feel You when I sing
Let them see You, let them see You in me
("Let Them See You" by JJ Weeks Band)
When it all comes down to it, I feel like that is our dream as Christians. To allow Jesus to live in our hearts and to shine in all that we do. To spread His love far and wide so that we can further God's kingdom and help those in need. I hope and pray that they saw Jesus in my actions, words and songs. I pray daily that these children continue to let Jesus shine in their own lives.
God opened my eyes to many things on this trip. He showed me what I am capable of. He showed me the direct impact I had on the teachers through a touching (to say the least) farewell ceremony prior to leaving. He showed me the children's love through their touching words, sweet gifts, heartbreaking goodbyes and never-ending hugs on my last day. I am beyond thankful for all of it. It changed me as a teacher, a Christian, a sister, a daughter and as a person living on planet Earth.
I want to get out there. I want to help others in need. I want to be by my thambis' sides when they need me most. I want to teach more at Carmel. I want to spread the love of Jesus Christ to as many people as possible. I want to live out my dream because I know it's possible and I know how much of a difference it could make in many people's lives. In 2009, on my very first trip to India, the Lord ignited a spark inside of me. It continues to burn and grow bigger as my passion for India deepens. I know in my heart that I am not finished with India. I cannot tell you what that means or where it will take me. I simply know that God is calling me there. He has shown me how my talents can be used to help this ministry that is near and dear to my heart. We shall see where that burning spark takes me in my life. If there is anything that I have learned from spending 6 months of my life in India, it is that God is indeed at work. In my life. In yours. In those all around the world who struggle with problems greater than many of us will ever have to face in our lives. In any problems you may have, know that the Lord is right next to you, every step of the way. You are never alone. We are all God's children and He loves us all the same.
I am going to end with the lyrics from one of my absolute favorite songs. It sums up my 6 months and how I am feeling right now.
I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how'd we ever get so far down
How's it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, "God, why don't You do something?"
Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
said, "God, why don't You do something?"
He said, "I did, I created you"
If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it's time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It's not enough to do nothing
It's time for us to do something
I'm so tired of talking
About how we are God's hands and feet
But it's easier to say than to be
Live like angels of apathy who tell ourselves
It's alright, "somebody else will do something"
Well, I don't know about you
But I'm sick and tired of life with no desire
I don't want a flame, I want a fire
I wanna be the one who stands up and says,
"I'm gonna do something"
We are the salt of the earth
We are a city on a hill (shine shine, shine shine)
But we're never gonna change the world by standing still
No we won't stand still
No we won't stand still
No we won't stand still
If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it's time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It's not enough to do nothing
It's time for us to do something
("Do Something" by Matthew West)
I want to be the one to do something. <3 <3
